she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
