frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
