Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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