we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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