I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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