You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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