i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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