She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize