I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
