Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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