Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
