I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
