Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
