I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
