I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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