Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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