The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize