Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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