i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
