singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
