just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
