Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
