I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
