you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
