Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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