Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
