I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
