If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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