I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
