I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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