His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
