ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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