wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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