what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
