Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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