I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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