sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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