She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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