I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize