i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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