did you get engaged???
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
