I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
