Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
