i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize