Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I need to align my fucking chakras
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