My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
