What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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