I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
