I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
