ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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