he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
