Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
