There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
