Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
