I think I have vodka in my lungs
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
