literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my shit smells like andre
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
