I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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