There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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