I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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