She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
