so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
