STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
