It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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