Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
